Leaves
by RemyTheReaper
Summary: She didn't like to watch the leaves change color, because they were dying...just like her. Random Thirteen/Kutner drabble.


**A/N: BLARRRGGGG. I needed something to write and this is what came out, lots of word vomit that actually makes a story…**

The leaves were just beginning to change. Instead of the lush green they were beginning to wither, tinting red, orange, yellow, and becoming crisp along with the air.

She never understood the people who drove out to the country to see it happen. Maybe it was pretty, maybe the colors went together well, maybe people liked the sudden change in scenery, but it didn't matter. All they were seeing was death, the leaves having their final show before they fell to the ground where they would inevitably be crushed under the boot of someone who had been so keen on watching them change color. There was nothing pretty about death, and therefore there was nothing pretty about the leaves changing. At least not to Thirteen. There was nothing beautiful about the leaves because she may as well have been one. She was one of the unlucky ones, a leaf on a deciduous tree while the others were pine needles on an evergreen. They were the same in the sense that with one small gust of wind they would be gone, but different because when the cold winter came the pine needles stayed alive, but the deciduous leaves died…Thirteen died, but it didn't matter because as soon as it warmed up again she would be replaced, it would be as if she had never existed, or so she thought.

* * *

Thirteen stood on the roof of Princeton-Plainsboro teaching hospital, staring out at the town below. It was autumn again, and from where she stood she could see all the colorful leaves, not having fallen from their branches yet. The cold wind nipped at her bare cheeks, flushing them to a warm rosy color. It was nice to be alone, Thirteen realized, slipping her hands into the pockets of her lab coat, especially after a day of clinic duty. Being alone was safe, you didn't have to worry about talking, about saying too much or saying things you don't mean to just through body language. Being alone meant you couldn't get hurt, and in return you couldn't hurt anyone else. It was safe, it was warm, and it-

"Hey" Thirteen whipped around, automatically retracting her hands from her pockets, but it was only Kutner, standing in the doorway, looking at her quizzically.

"Hey" silently she willed him away, but he stepped out of the doorway and walked towards her, his eyes flicking from the skyline to her face and back.

"It's nice out," he said, standing next to Thirteen and looking off into the distance. She tensed up as she turned back so she was looking where he was.

"It's a little chilly," she admitted with a shrug. He was standing close to her, close enough for her to smell his cologne and feel the warmth radiating from his skin.

"Yeah I guess…so…long day?"

"Just clinic duty. What did you do, with House not here and all" Thirteen asked, thinking only briefly about their drug addicted boss who had been roped into going to a conference in Pennsylvania by his boss.

"I helped out in the ER. It was a pretty slow day so it wasn't too bad, but Cameron kept grilling me about House which was really annoying." Kutner said, watching Thirteen out of the corner of his eye. If you'd have told him when he first met her that someday he would have feelings for her, he would have laughed in your face and thought you were crazy, but now as he stood next to her on the rooftop overlooking the picturesque little town below he wanted nothing more than to fell her skin against his, stare into her green-blue eyes, and tell her he loved her. But he wouldn't, he couldn't do that. She didn't feel the same way and if she did she had a funny way of showing it.

"Kutner? Hello earth to Kutner" Kutner blushed as he was brought out of his thoughts by her voice,

"Sorry what?"

"I said, where was Taub today?"

"Oh I dunno. He might've called in sick I didn't see him around" Kutner stared off into the distance again, his cheeks burning. There was nothing worse than getting caught daydreaming by the girl you liked. He had to recover,

"So the leaves are really pretty in this area" he tried noticing the many shades of the typical autumn colors. Girls liked that stuff right?

"They're dead" Thirteen replied icily. Leave it to Kutner to bring up the leaves, the stupid leaves, whose metaphorical meaning tore her to pieces.

"But they're pretty. I mean everything dies sometimes; they just get to look pretty before they die. When I was a kid the leaves just turned brown"

"It doesn't change the fact that they're dead" _and I'm dying _Thirteen added silently, her heart feeling heavy in her chest. She wanted to tell Kutner to shut-up, she wanted so badly to...

"So, after winter there's plenty of new ones. Then they turn green, then they turn red or orange or yellow, then they die. Circle of life" She wanted so badly to scream it now, but she couldn't, she couldn't scream it, but yet….

"SHUT UP! Just shut up! My God!" Kutner turned in surprise looking at the object of his affection, who had moved away from him, her face contorted in emotional pain. And he knew what had happened, he knew what was wrong. It had been so long since House had said she had it…and she had denied that she did, but now it was written across her face clear as day.

"You have Huntingtons" She was quiet, tears welling up in her eyes. How could he have remembered after so long? It had been nearly a year since House had called her that in front of the rest of the team. But he had remembered, he had actually remembered something significant in her life. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all, she didn't know, but she did know one thing, no amount of denial would change what he knew.

"Yeah, yeah I do" she admitted warily, looking him straight in the eye. Most people would look away when admitting something like that, but Thirteen wasn't most people. She stared into Kutner's eyes and was surprised to see pain reflected back at her. It wasn't pity, it was actual pain.

"Are you sure? Couldn't it have been a false positive?"

"You think I didn't take multiple tests? It's a real positive… but what does it matter to you anyway? I'll go crazy and die while you keep working for house, find yourself a nice woman, settle down, have a family and live happily ever after. You won't remember me once I'm gone." Kutner shook his head, taking a step closer to her as he spoke,

"Of course I'll remember you, I'll always remember you…" he stared into her eyes and knew he had to tell her, it may be his only chance,

"Thirteen I love you" her heart skipped a beat as she let his words sink in. He loved her…but he couldn't, he didn't. He felt sorry for her.

"You don't love me. You don't even know my real name"

"Remy Michelle Hadley." Now that was freaky, he did know her name, her full name. But it had probably been on a file or something Thirteen told herself.

"You don't love me" she insisted

"Yes I do"

"No you don't"

"_Yes_ I do" he stepped forward and took her hand, feeling her soft skin for only a second before she ripped her hand back and let the tears fall from her eyes.

"No you don't! Because you can't! Because I'm dying! You don't seem to understand that!" Kutner was on the verge of tears now too as the wind whipped harder than ever, sending shivers up his spine and making her long dark hair fly crazily in every direction.

"I understand that, but I don't care. I love you anyway. It's not like you're going to die tomorrow. Huntingtons takes years, we could live a perfectly normal life"

"Even if we did fall in love and get married we couldn't have kids. I refuse to put another life through this. I don't want to condemn another person to suffer from this stupid disease" She stepped farther away from him and wiped the tears out of her eyes.

"So? There's always adoption or surrogacy, it doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I want to be with you, and hopefully you want to be with me too." Kutner tried, holding back his tears. He could tell he was losing her, fast. She was quiet for a long moment, wiping away her tears and looking at the man in front of her. She did want to be with him. She really liked him, she may even have loved him, but in feeling that way about him she knew it wouldn't be fair. Maybe she did have several years left. Technically speaking they could get married and start a family before the effects of the disease hit, but then she would be gone and he wouldn't be the same. She knew how hard it was to lose someone. She knew that it was something you never fully came to terms with and as she stared into Kutner's eyes she knew it would change him. And then she saw a different face, Cameron's. Thirteen knew Cameron's story. She had fallen in love with a dying man and married him, only to have him die several months after their marriage. It had changed her, and there was no going back. Still, she had moved on. Now she was happily engaged to Chase and one of the hospital's best doctors. Was Kutner like that? Would he be able to move on like Cameron had done? One more look into his eyes gave Thirteen the answer.

"I do want to be with you, I really really do…but I can't."

"Yes you can! Please just give it a chance, give me a chance! I don't want to lose you…"

"Kutner if we do this you're going to have to watch me die, do you get that!? You won't be the same again. I can't do that to you. If I end this now you'll move on."

"But what about you?"

"I'll die, doesn't matter if I go out with you or not, I'll still die" She moved even farther away and Kutner wanted nothing more than to move closer, to hug her and make her know he didn't care how sick she got.

"But you'll die alone…. If you don't let anyone in. Why can't you let yourself be happy?"

"Because my being happy hurts everyone else! It's selfish of me to think that I can have a normal life because I'll have to leave it all behind too soon. Huntingtons is characterized by dementia anyways. I won't remember anything when I'm dying. I won't remember if I had a husband and kids." There was a pause where the two looked at each other and knew that the decision had been made. In fact, Kutner realized, it had been made long before he had come into the picture.

"There's nothing I can say to change your mind is there?" Thirteen shook her head sadly,

"I'm sorry" Slowly she turned and walked to the door, going back inside so that Kutner was alone on the roof. He stood in shock, letting the cold wind freeze him to the bone. Like a robot he walked towards the edge of the roof and looked down at the leaves that covered the ground. Suddenly they all seemed brown.

**A/N: Okay that was depressing and sucky, but I needed to write it. I needed to write anything that could get me started again after my super long absence from writing. So please review and umm yeah…**

**-Remy**


End file.
